The love of my life can also be a pain in the butt! #eliot #hemnesbarnehage
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything relevant here. The truth is that after a serious rut I decided to take a break and enjoy my life more. I cut back on my vicious fitness routine, I indulged more in my favourite foods, and I basically gave myself a break.
While we were on vacation in Greece I did a couple fun-runs, went on walks with husband, and took advantage of the pool most days. Every morning you’d hear the neighbourhood rooster and as the sun came up the paths smelled like spices and fragrant flowers. I loved running there despite all the dogs. (OMG dogs ran the streets everywhere I turned!) My one slight regret? I drank wine like it was water! All-inclusive meant red wine almost 24-7. I didn’t feel guilty at the time because as we all know red wine burns off all that food (and I never once felt bad about eating!) and it was just proper table manners to finish it off. :)
When I came home and stepped on the scale it said I was 2kg heavier than when I left. I’m not really hung up on that number because vacation does that to you. It also didn’t help that 2 days later I got my period. Water retention, alcohol, salty foods, little exercise, yeah… Still, no regrets! We’re going back to Greece the week of our birthdays and anniversary. The kids are already counting down and I can’t blame them.
I still have a marathon to train for. I’m in good shape but not marathon-shape. Thank god summer has arrived in these parts. A couple of weeks ago when we left there was still snow everywhere! At least with better weather my times will be better and my muscles will be prone to fewer injuries. Warmer temperatures and rain over soft snow and ice any day!
Right now I’m fighting off a cold so this morning’s run wasn’t exactly optimal but I didn’t feel like I was going to die either. I know my boundaries and I know what’s realistic when I’m not 100%.
To sum things up… Dear vacation: Hurry up and get here!!!!
I haven’t stepped on the scale for over a week. I was constantly beating myself up for not staying under 70kg. One day I was 72kg, another I was somehow 75kg. The last time I checked I was 72pointsomething kg. I just felt so shitty. 1-2kg shouldn’t have made me feel worthless but it did. I lost 25 kg but somehow 1 kg equated to being overweight and back at the start of my journey. This is still so difficult for me.
I’ve not been neglecting this place as much as I’ve been avoiding it. From time to time I’ve stopped by to read my feed and catch up on what the rest of you are up to.
I need to be honest here…
I haven’t been too well. I got stuck on my numbers. My weight, any distance and time that I ran, and how many workouts I was trying to squeeze in every week were much more important than my well being. In the end I was just an angry and disappointed mess. I still didn’t like my body and I still wasn’t registering any progress I was making. Anytime my weight would fluctuate it would totally shadow the fact that I might have shaved a couple of minutes off of my run.
Now I feel stuck. I’m not sure what I want to do. I feel like I don’t really know myself anymore. When I compare photos of myself I hardly recognize the old me, but when I really think about it, at least when I was heavier I had a better idea of what I wanted. Two years ago I was out of control, but at least at least I never doubted who I was.
Two weeks from now we’ll be in Greece and I’ll be doing something I haven’t done for years - wear a bathing suit/bikini in front of others. I feel scared but there’s a voice that also says, “What the hell are you so scared of?”. I don’t feel ugly, and I don’t feel fat, but I don’t feel good enough either. After all my accomplishments and all my training I still don’t feel good enough. It’s just such bullshit. I need to figure this out.